Things cannot go permanently wrong....

Last week, I had the chance to go to Women's conference with my sister-in-law Sara, my friend Mindy and a few other people.  A few days before we were supposed to go, my allergies started acting up.  This was odd because this wasn't normal for me.  My kids are always having allergic reactions to something but I am only allergic to grass and dogs and cats.  My throat hurt and my ears hurt.  I was contemplating not going.  I knew I needed to go because who doesn't need spiritual and mental enlightenment, but still didn't feel so hot.

The first talk of Thursday was amazing.  Listening to Sheri Dew speak was worth the trip down.  I could have gone home right after that talk.  One quote she shared from President Howard W. Hunter went something along the lines of, "If you live a Christ-centered life, nothing will go permanently wrong.  If you don't, nothing will go permanently right."  Wayne and I talk about how we have the touch of crap.  If something is going to go wrong, it will. If we didn't have bad luck, we wouldn't have any luck at all.  This was hope for me.

I had been struggling with some severe battles of depression and anxiety since before Christmas.  Getting out of bed was tough.  Some days, I didn't.  January came and I was starting to feel better.  February came and I was thrown for a loop.  A family crisis pushed me over the edge and I was barely hanging on by my fingernails.  There were days where I wanted to let go and give up.  March came and it wasn't getting better.  I received an e-mail from a family member that seemed to push me farther and farther into despair.  One day, Oaklee came in and reminded me that we couldn't eat chips for dinner everyday.  I was failing in all areas.  On Easter Sunday, I sat down with my bishop and asked for help and advice.  How was I to make it when I felt like such a failure.  I was not making it as a mom, wife, daughter or friend.  He gave me permission to let things go.  It was a huge relief for me.  A weight had been lifted off of my shoulders that had been sitting there for too long.  What an appropriate time to realize that the Savior was there to help me and I could let him take my pain and suffering.  He had made that choice for me and for everyone.

Back to Women's Conference...Mindy and I had volunteered to help my cousin Stacy with a service station making wheelchair and walker bags to be donated to a group that needed them.  I was walking back from lunch to my assigned shift and I got a call from Wayne.  He told me that he would be losing his job starting July 1st.  Normally, when tragedy strikes, I would fall into a panic but not that day.  I was able to be calm and share with him what I learned that morning from Sheri Dew.  Nothing will go permanently wrong.  We would make it through this.  We were trying to live a Christ-centered life.  Wayne went to the temple every week.  We were trying to be better at scripture study and family home evening.  Peace filled my heart even when the tears fell down my face.

Elder Cook spoke to us at the last part of the conference about blessings.  He said that we were promised to "prosper in the land".  I always thought that this meant material blessings.  Like money or things or not struggling when it came to paying your bills.   But he said that was not it.  Having the spirit in your life was prospering in the land.  Having been baptized at 20, I remember what it is like to not have the spirit in my life on a continual basis.  I remember the day when I knew what the Holy Ghost felt like.  I don't want to not have it in my life.  We could still prosper even when we struggled with our crazy, bad luck life.

Another thing that was shared was about our children, especially our older children.  I have learned that I  have a tendency to be "overbearing" with my children.  I thought I was being helpful and supportive.  Apparently, it was too helpful and supportive.  I was trying to rescue them.  The quote was, "You don't need to be a savior to your child.  They already have one."  That is huge for me.  I love my kids so much and want to be there for them so they don't have to suffer or struggle.  They have to learn and they already have someone to take away their pain and suffering.  I just need to be the mom and love them.

I love my kids and family so much.  I don't know what I would do without them.  As I think about things not going wrong, I need to remember that there is hope.  There is always tomorrow.  There will be a rainbow after the storm.  I can do hard things.  Someday it will be right again!

Stop spinning!!!!!

Things just got a little crazier.  Yesterday at work, I got a phone call that Marlee had been in a car accident.  As I speed to the scene, not able to get in touch with her, I think the worst.  Luckily, no one was injured except for Marlee's knee.  Her car not so lucky.  Yesterday and this morning as I thought of how lucky we were and how bad it could have been, tears flowed and I counted my blessings.

This afternoon, panic is setting in as I realize that we are down a car and a driver.  I work for 7 more days and Oaklee starts swim team practice every morning at 9am.  Noah has chess and Marlee works two days a week.  How is this going to work with our evening schedules and everything else?  All I want to do is climb in bed and eat double stuff oreos and diet coke.

I did not eat the oreos.  I did have a couple pieces of bacon and the diet coke but am trying to patiently deal with the chaos without the meltdown.  I am only one person.  I can do this.  Yes I can!

Just a sprinkle in life

My life is crazy. I joke at work that I am like a sprinkler moving chick, chick, chick and then oh wait back to where I started. Jokingly, I say that my grass is not burning up but is not lush and green either. The sad thing is that it really is not a joke. I feel like I don't do anything well because I am doing too many things. But I don't know what to give up. So I feel guilt. Guilt is not a good thing. It is something that makes me wonder what is my purpose in life when I know darn well what my purpose is. I am a mother to three beautiful children. I am a wife to a husband who loves me even when I just move from thing to thing and don't know where I am going. I am a daughter of parents who have touched my life in amazing ways. I know where I am going and I know how to get there. I just need to focus and not be so hard on myself. While reading a blog babymakingmachine.blogspot.com, she talked about a conference that she went to and what she learned. These were her main points. -Give your mentors permission to be completely honest with you. -Stop trying to be perfect at everything and worry about what REALLY matters to your family. -It's not a race. There are not finish lines where we're going. -Take risks, and always feel a little uncomfortable in your job (it'll push you to get better). -Define your own success and don't let anyone elses vision dictate your own. This struck with me and I hope that I can do my best because that is all I can do and let the rest go instead of festering inside and causing harm to my body and soul.

Have I Done Any Good? Official Music Video ft. Alex Boye & Carmen Rasmus...

Today, I was thinking that I am not a very good server.  I helped yesterday with Marlee's prom and complained about the person in charge because she wasn't as organized as I would have been and I felt she was wasting my time as well as others time.  I should have realized that I was there to help my friends that were in charge.  I should have thought about how I was doing it so my beautiful daughter and her friends could have had a wonderful experience.  Instead, I was selfish and thought about myself.  I need to think about doing good in the world instead of my crazy selfish existence.

Why the change?

About 6 years ago, I had an eye-opening experience, I was too fat for my kids. I couldn't keep up with them and I was going to die. We were on a family vacation and I was literally praying for life flight to come and rescue me on a hike. The only thing that saved me was thinking of my kids going back to school and asking what happened over summer vacation, they would have to answer that their mom died on a hike. I made it up the hill, not without a lot of sweat and tears. Fast forward to today. I have lost 48 pounds and still have 42 to go. I know that I am going to die if I don't take care of myself. This is my life and I need to live it. I think a lot of changes have been made but I am now in it for the long haul.

New Year New Me

Well, it is time. I have tried everything to get to a healthy body. I have done every diet known to man. I have had weight loss surgery and that has been my most successful thing. I am excited for a new year to focus on me and use my tool that I have been blessed with. This is my year. This is my accountability. I am going to be a healthy, happy person and that is my goal!

Visit from Sydnee

This week, my cute niece Syd came to visit. We have had lots of fun adventures and lots of movies watched.

She arrived on Monday and we went to Chili's for lunch. She and Marlee got to babysit our other niece Christa while Jacob had swim lessons. After they came home she took Noah and Oaklee to Roaring Springs.

Tuesday is my homework day so we don't usually do a lot. We decided to go to the movies. We went and saw Rango. This has to be the dumbest movie ever. I can't believe how terrible it was. I am so glas that we only paid $1 to watch it.

Wednesday, we went to Jumptime. It is a trampoline place where you can jump into pits of stuff or just jump or play trampoline dodgeball. It was too funny. We could not stop falling. Especially me!

Thursday, Oaklee had a swim meet and it was great to see her swim the back stroke again. We got to watch her swim and freeze to death at the same time. It will be warmer this week, I am afraid.

Friday, Marlee and Sydnee went downtown and hung out, shopped, ate and just were teenagers. They came home with new TOMS. They say they are the most comfortable shoes ever and TOMS gives a pair of shoes to needy people in Africa. I say they are $60 shoes. EEK!

Saturday, we left for the night in McCall. We went with the Peterson family to celebrate the 4th. It was nice to get away for a night. We started a hike up the canyon in McCall. Sara, me, Marlee, Syd and Christa stopped half way up because I started to get light-headed from the altitude. It was a good thing because it was already slippery from lots of snow banks and dangerous from fallen trees. The rest of the family finished the hike up to Duck Lake. Oaklee fell in the snow up to her waist and they said that the lake was 3/4 frozen over. It was a fun day. Oaklee and Noah stayed up in McCall to be with Grandma and Grandpa as well as Kylee and Jacob.

Monday,we went to the Liberty Parade downtown. We had a good time with John and Sara and kids. Christa took her first step there. It was cute. The Grand Marshal of the parade was a POW/MIA soldier in Afghanistan. It was very sad. Hope he makes it home soon. We went to lunch at Tucanos. It was yummy. I love Bacon wrapped turkey. Later after the kids came home, we went to U-Swirl. It was really yummy. Not too healthy but yummy.

Where does the time go?

Time goes by quickly and I get overwhelmed and quit a lot of things. I am not sure why.

Here is the Peterson family update starting with youngest to oldest.

Oaklee is swimming again this summer. We had the opportunity to go to Lagoon in May for her clogging team that made it to nationals. They took first in their division.




Noah is busy with scouts, chess and video games. He is a ferocious reader and is busy being a brother. ( you know bugging sisters and all) He just got home from a pioneer trek with his church youth group. He did a good job and worked really hard.




Marlee is busy. We had the opportunity to go to Washington DC in June. She and her partner did and exhibit for National History Day on the Japanese Internment camp in Mindoka Idaho during WWII. It won 2nd place and Best Idaho topic for Idaho so we got to go the National competition back east. We had a great time and she is excited for next years competition.



Wayne is working his two jobs. He was just called as the First Counselor of the Elder's Quorum in our ward. He has been busy with all he does for us.

I have been really busy with homework. I am taking two classes this summer and am really excited about growing closer to finally finishing college. My goal is to graduate by the time Marlee graduates from college. 2017, here I come.

I will try to be better. It is my summer goal.

Primary Program

Today was our Primary presentation at church. All the kids from age 3-11 sing and give speaking parts about what they have learned this year. Oaklee gave a gret talk about how she knew that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were real. She said they are so important that that is the first thing we learn that we believe in. See Article of Faith #1. They then sang a bunch of songs. A new song I hadn't heard before was called I Know that My Savior Loves Me. The second verse said "Now I am here in a beautiful place, learning the teachings of Jesus. Parents and Teachers will help guide the way, lighting my path everyday. Wrapped in the arms of my Saviors's love , I feel his gentle touch. Living each day, I will follow his way, home to my Father above. I know He lives! I will follow faithfully. My heart I give to Him, I know my Savior loves me."

That is amazing to know that at such a young age. If I could have learned that so long ago, I think my self-esteem issues would have gone by the wayside.

Good job Oaklee. You have done such a great job.

Marlee's first dance

Marlee went to her first dance last night. She and a group of her friends went to dinner and then to the dance. They had a blast. How do I know? I got to chaperone. I promised her I wouldn't stalk her. I promised I wouldn't dance. I promised I would not talk to her friends. I did good. She said I could do it again.

She was beautiful. Thanks Sara ( my wonderful sister-in-law ) for coming and doing her hair. What would we do without you?

Boy Scouts of America

This Saturday, Noah and his troop went with scouts across the nation doing "Scouting for Food." We are so proud of him and the opportuntity he has to grow and learn lots of things to help him grow into a nice, productive young man. We are grateful that he is learning to be proud of his country. Today after church, he was taking down the flag with another member of his deacon's quorum and I was amazed at how the 12 year old boy goes away for just a short time and the reverance they have while folding and taking care of the flag steps up.

Young Women in Excellence

Last Wednesday, the Young Women in our ward had their yearly recognition night of things they had been working on all year. Two girls sang a song about Emma Smith that really touched my heart.
EMMA

Written by Jason Deere

Never had an ordinary day
Never lived your life in an ordinary way
For everything you loved you paid a price
But you couldn’t let the world see you cry

Never had a moment of peace
Never felt the sunlight
When the worries set you free
Every time your life turned a page
It seemed like your heart might break

With the world on your shoulders
When the nights had grown colder
You seemed to weather every storm
With a queen’s grace
When you lost your husband
When you buried your children
I’m sure the angels stood in reverence as you prayed
How much can one heart take

Never had a day to call your own
When so many needed your warm heart as a home
Whispering a mother’s lullaby
As you sat alone by the fire

And I’m sure your heart breaks, when some people still say
Somewhere down the line you lost your faith
How much can one heart take
How much can one heart take

Really made me change my way of thinking about Emma Smith. I don't think she lost her faith. I don't know what happened but I know she did all she could and was there for Joseph Smith for his trials.

Amazing Lady!

November

I can't believe it is November already. Things have changed so dramatically for our family but still are the same.
Going back to work full time has thrown a loop in our household. I know it is necessary to get out of the debt that my medical bills from last year caused us. I also feel how important it is for mothers to be there when their kids get home. I feel that I have taken advantage of all the time I had with my kids when I did stay home. I hope that someday they realize that their mother loved them so much and she tried so hard to be there for them for whatever need they had. Enough whining for this posting.

I am so proud of Marlee. She is keeping so busy with her school work. She finished the first quarter with a 3.57 GPA. She had a C in Pre-calculus and a B in Chemistry that brought her grades down but she is amazing. She was able to swim in the district championship for her high school. She did not make it to state but she is awesome anyway. She is competing in National History Day for her school. She is hoping to go to Maryland in the spring for Nationals. We are planning on that as well. She also competes on an Acadeca team, is on the Parlimentary Procedure team and a member of HOSA. She is preparing the song "Mary, Did You Know" for her Christmas piano recital. I don't know how she does it all. She is crazy but very ambitious.

Noah is not doing as well in school as Marlee. He struggles from " I know all the info, so homework is not necessary. I will just get an "A" on the test". We are still looking for a remedy for that. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear about it. He is attending chess training with a National Chess Champion. He loves it. He is also preparing for his Christmas piano recital.

Oaklee is busy with 3rd grade. Her teacher loves her and all that she offers to class. She had all A's on her report card. She is already reading twice the amount of words that is required at the end of third grade so we are happy. She started piano this year and is doing amazing. She loves it and is speeding through her piano books. She will be doing two pieces for the recital. She is doing a gymnastics/jazz class and also started clogging this summer. Their first performance is December 3rd. We are really excited about it.

Wayne is working extremely hard at both his jobs. I don't know what I would do without him. He keeps me sane and is always there to lift me when I am struggling.

After my illness last winter, job change and surgery, I feel that I am doing what I am supposed to be. I started running, lost almost 50 pounds and am taking college classes towards a degree in Secondary Education.

Change is good, scary but good. If I keep saying that, it will come to pass.

Stressful day

Working full time can immensely stressful. I don't know if it is because I am stressed that things fall apart or that when things fall apart it makes me stressed. How do people get the hang of change? How do you make sure that those around you don't think you hate them because you have lost all sense of time trying to just stay on top of the basics? How do the superwomen do it all? I don't know. I am glad that I am doing what I am supposed to but stressed nonetheless. Any help would be appreciated.

Last week we had things every night. It seemed like we were running all over the place. This week is a little less crazy.

Wayne and I went to Abbamania with some good friends and had a blast. Can't wait to see Wicked with them when the time comes.

Sunday is a special day

Yesterday, Marlee and I were home alone. Wayne and " the littles" went to Salt Lake for our neice Kylee's baptism. We were having a slow morning when the phone rang. Marlee answered and it was her YW president reminding her that she was to play the piano for opening exercises. She also asked if Marlee would play the closing hymn also because we were having YW/YM combined and were having a General Authority come speak to us. Marlee of course said yes, hung up and then started to panic. She had been perfecting one hymn for weeks in wait of this day. But two hymns, not prepared for that. My kids play the piano like Wayne. They don't like to sight read. They would rather prepare, practice and play. Memorization is key. So we started to practice, me singing while she played so she could get her speed up. She would play a few times and then leave and cry. Then she would come back.

After a long time in her room, she came back and I got to tell her how proud I was of her for saying yes to do this, how much I envy her positive outlook on everything, her fearlessness and her desire to do what is right. I know not everyone has someone that they look up to so much, but I do. My 15 year old is an inspiration to me everyday. She inspires me to do more, be more and keep on going. She is amazing.

She did great and the General Authority complimented her on her choice of songs that went perfectly with his talk.

Marlee rocks!

I can do hard things

When Marlee received her YW medallion last week, I thought about how I didn't have the opportunity to participate in YW when I was younger. I do now that I am the Beehive advisor in our ward. I see the YW each week learning that they are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us. I wish I had known that my whole life. Would I be a different person, would I be more self-confidant, would I be a better mother, wife, friend?

So I have been trying to work on Personal Progress. A couple weeks ago, we had our New Beginnings program and all the YW leaders were going to perform a musical number. I have not sang in public except once when I made a huge fool of myself in high school. Wayne even told me when we were first married that I didn't sing good enough to sing the harmony part so I should try the other. I didn't even know there were two parts.

We practiced. I had a good friend (VAL) play it for me on the piano and sing it to me, and let me sing it to her so I wouldn't sound like a fool. We practiced and finally sang. It sounded great. I had chills because it was just beautiful.

I am grateful for faith, prayers and knowledge that I can do hard things. This may be easy for some but for me it was hard and I was scared but I can do it. I know I can.

Wonderful kids

I just wanted to say how proud I am of my kids. They are growing leaps and bounds. I look at being a mother as something I wanted so badly and didn't think that I could have. I thought that I would be childless and then was blessed my a loving Heavenly Father three times.

Marlee has been working so diligently to achieve her YW medallion in church. She is good at setting goals and then following through. I admire that in her so much. I know that she is amazing and can do whatever she sets her mind to.

Noah turned 12 in December and then received the Aaronic priesthood in our church. He faithfully passes the sacrament each Sunday. On his first Sunday, he was looking a little lost. I burst int tears because this was something that we could not help him with and he would have to figure out on his own. He did a great job and looks so reverent when he does it, that my heart beams with pride at him honoring his priesthood.

Then we have Oaklee who gets baptized on March 27th. She will be 8 on March 18th. I can't believe that she is that old. She is looking forward to it, to be a part of what her brother and sister have told her is amazing.

I love my kids!

One year later and one year older

I can't believe that it has been a year since I blogged. So, here we are again. So much has happened and I don't even have pictures downloaded to show.

As things have definitely slowed down around our house with my job ending and sickness happening, I feel so grateful for the wonderful time that I have to spend with my little family.

Here is a quick update and a promise to keep updated.

My cute Noah turned 12 in December and received the Aaronic priesthood. I am so proud of him and am almost in tears each week watching him pass the sacrament. He is my little guy who I can still remember always saying " Mommy, I want you." But now he is all grown up.

Marlee is going to be 15 years old tomorrow. I remember vividly laying in the hospital waiting so anxiously for her to come. I was so excited to meet her but so worried about what kind of mother I would be. I wanted so desperately to be a mother that was loved by my children. I hope that is what they think. Marlee is such a wonderful daughter. She is all I could dream for and more. I know I don't tell her enough how much I love her and how proud I am of her. I hope I do not fail her and that I am there for her whenever she needs me. She is amazing and I love her dearly.

Good luck to John and Sara who go in tomorrow to have their new baby Christa.

Thoughts and Prayers to Dan and Natalie in bringing Andrew home from the hospital again tomorrow and hopefully to stay.

Lots of prayers to Amy and Blair and their family in this horrible time of losing their sweet baby Carissa.

Marlee is 14

I can't believe that my baby is 14. I really am old. She is an amazing girl. I don't know what I would do without her. She helps me become a better person by reminding me of her desire to do what is right as well as to serve others. She is a good friend and one who I enjoy laughing with.

This week, her Miamaid class at church came over and heart attacked her room.

Marlee, 2009 will be great for you.

Uncle Junior, You will be missed!

Last week, my uncle Junior passed away. He had been sick for a long time. He was a good uncle. I had the opportunity to be with my family at the hospice before and after he died as well as with my mom the day before and of the funeral. I heard many stories about him and what a great man he was. I learned that he owns me. My parents did not have a lot of money when I was to be born. They were counting on payday to come so they could have the $25 required to get me out of the hospital. Unfortunatly for them, I was born a week before payday. My Uncle Junior and Aunt LouJean drove from Northern California to Southern California to bail me out. He would always remind my mom that she hadn't paid him back so I really was his kid. He was a great uncle and will be missed.

I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that families are eternal. I will see him again and will get to be with my family forever if I am only faithful.

Uncle Junior, God be with you until we meet again.